i believe that resentment and self pity are anger misdirected, in ways that are not helpful and often harmful. being misdirected, action taken based on them does not address the actual issues that need adressing, or alleviate the underlying causes. i think i've always sensed that acting on them is not helpful, and i find it helpful to look at why.

i struggle most with resentment when someone unfairly stretches an agreement beyond the the agreement's terms. when i hesitate to even recognize my own anger at the unfairness - maybe out of fear of confrontation, or overaccommodation - i forfeit an opportunity to resolve the unfairness, and am left with an unfair situation and anger at myself for having failed to address it. the anger at myself is key. it is when i blame someone else for my self-directed anger - whether they are responsible for the original unfairness or just a convenient surrogate - that i lose track of what actually needs doing.

likewise, self pity is anger at others and/or oneself for a predicament for which the targets are not the cause. acting against them does nothing to reduce the problem, and hence only increases frustration and the sense of helplessness.

i tend to indulge self pity during misfortune, like illness or loss, if i'm unable to express my sadness about it. whatever the avenue, i can substitute a thwarted kind of anger that appears to the world as a defeated, moping unwillingness to connect. it doesn't help anything, precludes connection (with myself and others), and i'd rather not do that.

(i suspect that release-oriented practices, like "discharge" in co-counseling, can help because they can direct back to the initial sadness or anger, which illuminates the cause and, potentially, some settlement of the cause, rather than bottling it up in deference to the urge to misplaced anger. seems like there's a danger, though, in becoming occupied with the emotions only, and losing sight of the concerns behind them. [1])

what i find helpful to avoid this kind of pitfall is to distinguish the original provocation from my anger at myself for failing to effectively handle the original provocation. even if there's nothing i can do about the original provocation, i don't foul the picture with misplaced lashing out, and i might even be able to clearly confront the original issue.

Turmoil